


Every Love

by astarsdarkheart



Series: Glass Candles [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Aroace Luke Skywalker, Coming Out, Gen, worried friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 06:13:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12102516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astarsdarkheart/pseuds/astarsdarkheart
Summary: It is rarely possible to keep secrets forever, especially when your twin sister is Force sensitive. And some conversations are more difficult to have with people you know don't feel the same way.





	Every Love

**Author's Note:**

> Someone in a comment on Not That Heart suggested a fic in which Luke explains things to Han and Leia, and as it so happened, they left that comment at a point in time during which I was struggling immensely with romance repulsion due to a close friend and their partner. I was acutely aware that I needed to talk to my friend about it or risk taking out my pain on them without explanation and thus threatening that friendship, but was also genuinely terrified that my so much as bringing the matter up would cause some huge rift, all while knowing that they were absolutely fine with aroaceness in and of itself... being aroace and everything-repulsed is fun!  
> So, in keeping with a long-established tradition of mine that predates my fic writing by several years, Luke gets to deal with all the things I struggle to admit that I deal with. It's another coming out fic, slightly different by virtue of the POV-hopping, I guess, but at its core it's dealing with the same sort of issues, just with different characters. But I'm writing it anyway.  
> (Luke's still not getting the full force of a typical repulsion-related breakdown, or at least the version of a breakdown I have, but that would probably be just as uncomfortable to read as it would be to write, and this is long enough as is.)

“General.” Venka rose to hir feet as Leia pushed open the door to her office. “Commander Skywalker has sent a missive from an uncharted location. He expects to return within three days, based on current predictions about the ship movements in the intervening space.”

Leia blinked, then nodded. “Alert the Corona and Rogue squadrons and order them to be ready to cover a re-entry. Do you have the line to Luke open?”

“Yes, ma’am. Do you wish to speak to him?”

“I’m afraid I don’t have time, but if you can, send a message letting him know that there’ll be someone here to help him back to base.” Did she need to tell him? He knew the entire Rogue Squadron by their names, and Imp fighters were a world away from what the Rebel Alliance had managed to gather up. Even with Naboo’s own forces bolstering the fleet... well, they were holding off the Imps so far, and as Han had pointed out with a scoundrel’s gleaming eyes, the Imperial forces were falling apart. Luke should have been able to come in just fine.

“Oh, Venka...”

Venka froze in the act of taking a step towards the door. “Yes, ma’am?”

“Did you hear anything from Shara? Or about her?”

“Oh.” Venka started, but nodded. “She came down four hours ago. I didn’t want to wake you up, but she said Commander Skywalker had sent her ahead and that she’d speak to you at your leisure. She may be asleep now, though. She’d been flying for fourteen hours straight, ma’am.”

“Then she sleeps until she’s ready to wake up.” Leia nodded. “Once she’s awake, I’ll see when I can fit her in. The Queen’s council meeting will take up quite a bit of time, but I should have half an hour at least spare.”

Venka nodded. “Yes, ma’am. I’ll tell her that.”

“Thank you.” Leia nodded.

 

He couldn’t put off returning to Naboo forever, but a bit of peace would do him good. Shara and Kes were happy, that was all to the good. But right now... he needed his mind off it. As strained as his good mood could end up around Han and Leia, at least they were _safe_. The tension of moving around sectors controlled by remnant Imp forces must have amplified the draining effect of dealing with forms of love that made no sense to him.

Right foot forward, sabre around, up as if to block a falling strike, turn and counter-attack. Simple rotations that he didn’t often make use of, but they’d do to keep him in practice now he was trying to stay undercover. A blaster was plenty, most of the time, and when it wasn’t, there were rarely witnesses of any credibility left to comment.

“You’re wearing yourself out, Luke.”

“I know.”

The blade hummed as it vanished, leaving the night black and featureless in front of him. He took a deep breath before clipping the sabre back on his belt and turning around to face his father’s figure. “When it comes to this... I still have trouble remembering where my limits are.” He forced a smile.

“It’s tearing up... something inside you.” Anakin’s blue eyes glittered with sorrow above him. The only-half-there presence of a ghost’s hand rested on Luke’s shoulder as he nodded, leaving his head hanging for a moment as his tongue caught behind his teeth.

“I was fine until a few days ago. Something caught me off guard.” It was always that way. Couples in the street, Imperial officers thrown into disgrace by public disapproval of their carnality, a constant stream of stories of love over every holo-network imaginable, some less delicate in their treatment of the subject matter than others, all fine, and then there’d be that one snapping point –

“All the galaxy to explore and yet it remains so difficult to find peace.” Anakin sighed, eyes closing for a moment though the blue light still shone through.

“Maybe it’s just us humans.” He shrugged. Easier to have this conversation now that he’d already told his father so much – and knew that Anakin understood. “Though that alone would be strange enough. I’ve met enough people who have the same sort of difficulties I do...”

“How many of them know enough to realise that it’s not just a flaw in them?”

Kriff, there went that crack in Anakin’s echoing rumble again. How much pain had his own time spent unable to comprehend what people called the purest form of love caused him? Love could bring its own desperation, Luke had seen enough reckless acts committed by bereaved partners to know that much. But had Anakin feared a return to the pain that had come before loving Padmé Amidala should she die, on top of everything else?

He sighed. “I don’t know. There’s no word for it that I know, and when it’s so hard to explain, as well... We can tell ourselves that it’s just a different way to be, those of us in the Rebellion, but it’s easier to think like that when there are other people nearby who feel the same.”

Anakin nodded as his hand slid off Luke’s shoulder. “That was... a reassurance I never had.”

Luke nodded, bottom lip in his teeth.

“But it’s worry eating at you now, not just weariness.” Anakin’s blue-lit hand rose again to settle against Luke’s jaw. Eyes glowing hot blue creased at the edges as Luke’s gaze locked with his father’s.

He shrugged. “I have to return to Naboo before long, and Han and Leia...”

Something drew tight in his throat, cutting off the words. He let his head fall, unable to do more than shut his eyes and sigh. Chirruping little animals in the darkness broke into the conversation as the words fell away, leaving just a lump in his throat.

“Luke.” Light and Force-warmth folded around him in the rush of Anakin’s pained whisper.

He had to shake this. Had to learn not to fall apart at the mere thought of... but that just drew tears into his eyes. Never mind. He let the air gust out of him and folded into Anakin’s presence, the heavy, life-hot air of his father’s ghost growing stronger with every appearance.

“I worry... I fear that I’d hurt them by so much as suggesting that their being in love could be hard for me to deal with.” He gabbled the words, a snarl of syllables running too fast. But his father understood, and he had to say something. “They’re happy together. That should be enough.”

The last time he’d cried in front of his father, it had been on Bespin. How much things had changed.

“But it isn’t. Because it doesn’t stop... being strange to you.” Anakin’s murmur stumbled through the words as if his voice were about to run ahead of his thoughts. “The weight... the _pain_...”

“I think it’s grown worse with stress.” He couldn’t let Anakin take all of this as a strain on his own heart. “As long as I can hold it together long enough to not upset Han and Leia...”

“Are you sure you can?” Anakin stepped back and put a hand on both of Luke’s shoulders, face drawn into solemnity. “This weight... I wonder if it could take you apart.”

“Perhaps.” Luke managed to smile. “But it won’t be the first time I’ve been pushed to breaking point.” And Anakin would remember that too, the screaming, Luke’s face twisting in despair and sudden welling rage before he shut his eyes and let himself fall away from Vader’s masked face in Cloud City. No need to go further than that.

Anakin nodded, his gaze falling aside. “I... I can’t advise you to keep it secret forever. You know... you know where keeping such secrets led me.”

Luke nodded, biting together. He couldn’t summon up even a weary smile in response to that otherwise light comment. Anakin sighed, head bowing further for a moment, but he looked up without any greater sorrow in his shimmering face. “But Han and Leia... they know you well. If anyone who isn’t... like you and I... is to be patient with this...”

Luke nodded again, corners of his mouth edging up. “Who would be so before them?”

“Leia doesn’t... speak to me, so I can’t be sure.” For a moment the glow of Anakin’s presence dimmed, his gaze dipped aside from Luke as his jaw rippled. “But I can hope... I can’t think she’d hate you for it. And Han...”

“He’s met all sorts in his life, you’d think he’d be patient.” Luke shrugged. “It’s so hard to say... It’s hard enough to even begin to explain to people who don’t already know what I mean.”

“That’s why you were so slow to speak when I wondered.”

Luke nodded, turning his head aside to glance into the night as if that would speed the conversation along. He’d have to call to R2 to light up the way back to his fighter. “I’ll see how things go when I get back. Hopefully I won’t... fall apart before I have a chance to explain.”

 

“He was sort of... unfocused a few days before he sent me ahead.” Shara shrugged and reached for the cup of caf that Leia pushed across her desk. “He’s not far out, once he gets moving it won’t take him a day to get back. But he did seem put off by something. I don’t know what, he seemed to have found whatever he was looking for.”

Leia frowned. “Did anything happen before he seemed to be put off?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary.” Shara blinked at the question, taking a cautious sip of the caf as if to test its temperature as her gaze drifted to the ceiling. “We pretended to be partners to avoid trouble in a cantina, he wandered around talking to people, and then he got quiet that evening.”

Leia nodded, though she couldn’t keep the furrow out of her brow as she reached for her own caf. Luke did go quiet sometimes, but usually from stress or temporary overload, and it rarely lasted more than a day or two unless whatever was causing him stress continued to happen. And for it to happen on the way back from an extended mission, too – that should have taken pressure off him. And sending Shara ahead was risky – more so for him than Shara since it left him on his own in questionable territory for longer. “But the mission itself seems to have been productive?”

“He was in a fine mood before that sudden switch, so I guess so, but I don’t really understand some of the stuff he talks about.” Shara shrugged, then yawned into her caf. “I don’t think there was that much he wanted to do, he didn’t suggest that he’d be out there for that much longer, so I guess you can ask him when he gets in.”

Leia nodded. “I think I’ll have to. Rest up while we’re still doing well. The sooner you’re not yawning into your caf, the better.”

Shara chuckled. “Yes, ma’am.”

 

“Something’s wrong, princess.”

Leia froze over the table, then sighed and slumped back into the chair, knocking a holo-projector aside. “I’m getting a funny feeling from Luke. Shara said that he seemed put off by something a few days before he sent her ahead.”

Han blinked. “What’s the trouble? I thought his little jaunt was nearly over.”

“It is. Shara doesn’t think he’ll be out much longer.” Leia shut her eyes and heaved out a sight that made the back of the chair creak. She didn’t often focus on the warmth in her chest that didn’t belong to her heart, that faint sense of familiarity that must have run through the Force to bind her brother to her. But that quivering little bundle of heat was muted now, less present than it usually was. Had Luke drawn himself away? He did that sometimes, too. People and voices and crowds, it overwhelmed him sometimes. But all it usually took was a day or two of rest. Had making his way through the galaxy in search of some truth to these stories he’d heard really been that hard? “But he seemed to just end up run down, and Shara didn’t make much sense of it before he sent her on.”

“He usually likes being on his own for a bit, doesn’t he?” Han frowned as he slung an arm around her shoulders. “Comes back twice as chirpy as before.”

“Usually.” Leia nodded. “Something happened. And Shara didn’t get to find out what.”

“You reckon it’s Jedi business? Kind of stuff none of us can really help him with?”

“No...” Leia blinked, shook her head. What had gone through her head to draw that out of her mouth? “No, it doesn’t... feel like it.”

Han shrugged. “Guess we have to wait until he gets back before we can be sure, right? He’ll talk at some point, he’s not...”

“Whatever it is, it’s making him more guarded than usual.” She huffed out an attempt at a sigh that came out like something far more broken and lifted her arm to cover her eyes. The presence in her chest had drawn so tight together, strangling Luke’s presence under its own weight. She had to talk to him about this as soon as she possibly could. Whatever that weight was, it didn’t feel good, and that meant there was a problem. Hopefully it was one she could fix – or make someone else fix – in shorter order than the remnant Imperial military problem.

“You ought to get some sleep, princess. You’re getting a funny look in your eyes.”

“I’ve got my arm over my face, Han.”

Han made a ‘tsk’ sound. “I know what you look like when you get that tone of voice. You need rest. No one’s going to explode if you haven’t written up a full review of all the propaganda sendings by tomorrow morning.”

“Luke’s going to come in just as soon as I get to bed in an even worse state than Shara left him.”

Han scoffed. “Now you’re really losing your head, General.” Leia winced, but a hand tightened around her shoulder, pulling her closer to his warmth. “Something’s messed Luke up good, if you’re feeling that much of it.”

She sighed. “But he was doing fine until... and Shara didn’t make it sound like he’d been hurt. Just... dispirited.”

“There’s all sorts of bantha fodder in the galaxy can make you feel like one of the beasts has stepped on you even if it’s nothing serious.” Han shrugged. “If it’s not Jedi business, hopefully Luke’ll talk to someone about it. But there’s no use worrying before he’s back, unless you were going to get the Queen to yell at him over the comms about getting his head back in order.”

“Why would getting the Queen to yell at him help?”

“Even a Jedi’s got to take orders from someone, right?”

Leia sighed and let her head fall, managing to smile. “I’m not so sure. We’ll find out when he gets back.”

 

Venka rubbed at one eye and glared up at the night sky. In fairness to Skywalker this was the safer way to come in, since Naboo ran close to Standard Clock day hours and most of the Imps enforcing the blockade would be off the clock now. Still, it meant that ze had to wake up in the middle of the night to someone in the Corona Squadron yelling over the comms because that was the only way to communicate over the noise of the fighter itself, apparently, get dressed to a state where ze was willing to have members of Alliance command see hir, run outside in the night-chill – and this was Naboo’s winter, so of course the planet rested at temperatures that would have been considered cruel and unusual punishment on hir home planet – and then glare up at some blinking lights in the sky that would eventually cease to look just like the assorted stars visible from Naboo’s surface until said blinking lights landed. It was not a part of hir job that Venka appreciated a great deal.

“Rogue Four to base, engaging landing tracks. No hostile ships spotted. The Commander’s having comm trouble, but his ship’s otherwise in good nick and he’s flying fine.”

“Comm trouble’s fixed.” That was Skywalker’s voice breaking into the conversation. Venka rolled hir eyes. Protocol was for others to deal with, apparently. Still, Skywalker was an excellent pilot, and a Jedi Master to boot. “Flew through a storm getting into hyperspace, nothing major. Engaging landing track now.”

“Base to... Rogue Squadron...” Damn these kriffing Rogues and their kriffing manners. And damn Skywalker for indulging them. “We’re ready to receive you in the hangars. Corona Squadron, where are you?”

“Corona Leader to base, we’re staying high until Rogue is on the ground.”

“Thank you, Corona.” Venka let the comm fall to hir side and returned to staring up at the sky. Some of the flashing lights were getting closer. The hangar was on the other side of the turret ze stood by now, and the pilots would exit in hir direction. Then ze just had to worry about getting Skywalker inside, briefing him on notable events in the time he’d been gone, encouraging him to get some sleep... ze could do that in hir sleep, this wasn’t that bad.

Really kriffing cold, though. Ze shuddered.

Lights flickered on inside the turret. Soon ze heard the good-natured racket of the returning pilots moving through the building. “Base to Corona Leader, Rogue is on the ground.”

“Copy, base. Still no hostiles. Corona Squadron engaging landing track.”

“Copy, Corona.” They’d get back with no trouble – if Imps had noticed the activity they’d have engaged by now, surely? Ze had an errant commander to worry about. Not that Skywalker often warranted much worrying about.

Antilles delivered a friendly clap to Skywalker’s shoulder as Venka strode closer. “... hard to make out what you were saying.”

“You’d get bored if nothing had gone Kessel-ways.” Skywalker shook his head at Antilles –they were even worse than the rest of the Rogue Squadron for an odd familiarity that Venka could only put down to their having lost all sense of decorum to near-death experiences. Not even over-familiar, just... flippant in a way that few people could be once a military bearing had been trained into them.

Once ze was close enough to be heard, Venka cleared hir throat. “Commander Skywalker.”

He looked away from the cheerful squadron, then straightened his back and took a few steps in hir direction. Awake and alert – how long had he been flying for? Not Shara’s fourteen hours – but solemn. That wasn’t... usually a bad thing, at least. It was the tight jaw that was the warning sign, from Commander Skywalker – a sober countenance could mean almost anything except that he was in an earnest good mood. “Venka. I imagine you’re been sent to provide the rundown on events while I’ve been gone.”

Venka nodded, hir tongue catching for a moment. The Alliance’s practices were far removed from hir old garrison’s in many ways, and ze still felt like an awkward novice in front of Skywalker. “The route back was clear?”

He nodded, tugging at the black glove covering his right hand. “Imp fighters are starting to break down, and with the collapse of central authority official supply routes are going the same way. Any major losses while I was gone?”

“A fighter went down in a minor skirmish, but it was close enough to the surface that the pilot ejected without issue. Not many fighter engagements of any kind. A lot of captured Imperial agents on the surface.” Ze fell into step beside Skywalker as he turned to follow the other members of Rogue Squadron towards the palace. His head stayed bowed as he walked, gaze tracking only paces ahead of his feet. That wasn’t normal. Skywalker’s way of watching people had made hir shiver in hir first few months with the Alliance, but now ze found hirself regarding him out of the corner of hir eye in the same way, searching for any indication of what was sapping the steel out of his spine. “From what those who talk have said, they’re getting less and less confident about their ability to take anything in a fighter skirmish.”

Skywalker nodded, hesitating for a moment to straighten his back and tug his tunic into place. “Any plans in motion that I need to know about?”

“Hopes to break the blockade soon. There are other places in the galaxy that need the Alliance’s attention.” Ze ventured a smile.

Skywalker chuckled, though his head turned away. Was he more tired than he looked? “I think your sister would like to speak to you as soon as there’s a chance. She should be asleep now, but she gave orders that if you were to come in while -”

“No, I think it’s... for the best that I get a bit of sleep before filling her in.” Skywalker sighed, his strides lengthening and making Venka jog a few steps to stay abreast with him. “And she’ll take any excuse not to sleep, so I’ll not encourage her.”

Venka blinked. He was doing his best to make the words light, but he couldn’t quite make it convincing. Shara had said something in passing about him seeming a little off before he’d sent her ahead, but if he was _still_ dealing with whatever that had been about now... He’d taken a few knocks in his time in the Alliance, he’d learnt to bounce back long before Venka had even met him. What could throw him for that much of a loop and still not register as more than ‘being a bit put off’ on Shara’s radar?

“I think you know the feeling, Venka.”

Ze started. Like that was the first time ze’d thought things loud enough that Skywalker had picked up on them. “What?”

He stopped in front of the palace back door and turned to look at hir, smile weary. “You’ve had Evaan and Jado competing for your attentions for half a year and your only response has been to frown in confusion at the pair of them.”

Venka blinked. “They’re acting like adolescents.”

“Or adult humans who have it in them to look at a person and see the possibility of a certain kind of love.” Skywalker’s smile remained weary, but it turned crooked.

“Ah...” Venka folded hir arms. Damn his kriffing Jedi magic and his kriffing inability to keep his conclusions to himself. “You mean the way they write it in holo-dramas is the way it works for some people? Just looking at another life form and their brain going...” Hir words trailed off. What was Skywalker suggesting went on their brains, anyway?

Skywalker chuckled. “That’s the point. I don’t understand it, never did. But people assume that everyone does understand, and it gets... tiring. Sembla was worse than many places in that respect.”

Venka blinked. Again. Could ze really not think of anything better to do? Kriffing... “And that’s what got the better of you?”

“It’s not the first time.” He shrugged as he turned to open the door. “I’ve yet to find a way to... settle those thoughts... without drawing myself away from anything that reminds me of that difference between me and others. That isn’t always possible.”

Venka frowned as ze followed him into the palace, arms still folded. “And it... it’s that wearisome for you? I... I’ll admit I find it tiring, but from what Shara and Organa have been saying, you’re in a worse state than that.”

He stopped dead in the middle of the entrance, eyes falling shut. Venka started.

After a moment, he sighed and shook his head, starting away and forcing Venka to jog a few steps to catch up.

“Hurting Leia and Han by virtue of attempting to explain an experience that must be so far removed from theirs as theirs is to me...” The words were low enough that Venka wasn’t even sure Skywalker meant for hir to hear them. “But Leia will know, whatever I do.”

What could Venka have added to that? Ze just nodded and kept pace until their paths split at the end of the entrance. “Get some rest, Skywalker. I’ll talk to Organa in the morning.”

“Thank you, Venka.” He forced a smile, but something had rattled loose behind his eyes.

Strange. Most of the time, Skywalker was a model of benign composure. And when he wasn’t composed, it was usually some positive emotion or righteous anger. Whatever this was... ze could only call it alarming.

 

“Let me guess.” Leia tried to hold back a smile, and most likely only succeeded in turning it into a crooked smirk. “Commander Skywalker has returned.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Venka stayed standing as Leia crossed the room to sit down behind her desk. “Late last night. Noticeably tired but otherwise well.”

“Noticeably tired?”

“Ah...” Venka hesitated. Leia’s brow twitched. “Not due to lack of rest, as such. What Shara commented on regarding his... seeming distracted...”

“Serious, to be bothering him for so long, but it seems that Shara should have noticed more than distraction if it’s this much of an issue.”

Venka’s gaze darted aside. “From what I understand, it’s... a long-lasting issue that merely became more prominent after a certain incident.”

“He discussed it with you?”

“Not at length...”

Ze squirmed under Leia’s patient gaze. She sighed and let her head rest on one hand. “Venka, I know that my brother thinks you’re trustworthy, and so far I’ve got no cause to believe otherwise. But him remaining troubled like this and not dealing with the problem somehow... it can’t carry on like this.”

Venka looked aside, heaved in a deep breath, and let it out in a sharp sigh that made Leia twitch, try as she did to contain it. “In this case, ma’am, I don’t think dealing with the problem will be so simple.”

“Oh?” She couldn’t help but frown.

Venka shook hir head. “I’m not going to attempt to explain what he’s dealing with myself, but it’s a problem that runs deep among most humans.” Then ze blinked and shook hir head. “That is to say... to deal with the problem entirely would involve changes to the way humans interact with each other that are most likely impossible to push through on a broad scale.”

“And other life forms?” What in Sith hells was that supposed to mean?

“There are exceedingly few I can speak to in enough depth to make such a judgement, ma’am.” Venka bowed hir head.

Well, if nothing else, ze was conscious of hir own limits. Leia nodded. “I’ll speak to him. Thank you for letting me know, Venka.”

“My pleasure, ma’am.” Venka’s chin remained down as ze turned to leave the office.

Once the door closed behind hir, Leia sat back and shut her eyes. Luke’s presence was still half suffocated by the weight around it. So he trusted Venka to know, but struggled to explain it to her... what was it Venka shared with Luke that made hir an appropriate confidante regarding this mysterious quasi-illness that had come over him?

 

The sunlight managed to reflect off the honey-coloured walls of his room in precisely such a way that the light struck his eyes just as his alarm began to emit a songbird’s trilling call. He sighed and reached a hand over to turn it off, staring up at the ceiling for a good minute or two before rolling over and making an attempt to get up.

In some sense it stung to know that this exhaustion could still catch him by surprise, after every little step forward he’d made in attempting to manage the weight. And in such a way that he’d had to give Shara such a clear indication that something wasn’t right, too... And Leia, of course. How had she failed to notice all the other times?

Perhaps she hadn’t been able to recognise the awareness of her sibling for what it was until after he’d told her, and even then, how was she meant to know what any particular dullness to that presence meant? He had enough trouble differentiating between her righteous anger and her episodes of mild irritation, and in the panic and pain of a galaxy-encompassing war there were many things to bring the spirit down. _So many gone._

Not to mention that she probably wouldn’t understand the way he was forced to navigate the bonds between people the way their father did, given the way she loved Han. What would she think of –

He froze over the sink in the act of splashing water on his face to wash the sleep out of his eyes. Why in Sith hells was he still that afraid of her _judgement_? Had the ghosts of Tatooine’s locals left that deep a mark in him?

No, but that was it. He’d been afraid to tell Anakin, and then found out that his father had struggled with much the same thing. The sheer... _incomprehension_ on either side of that boundary... and it wasn’t even a hard boundary. Anakin’s love for Padmé Amidala hadn’t prevented him from buckling under the strain of what was turning Luke’s every other breath into a weary sigh now.

Enough. He had a job to do, and part of that job meant reporting back to the rest of Alliance command about what he’d discovered, heard, and surmised throughout the last trip. Shara would most likely have made a good start, but there were incidents she hadn’t been present for and information she didn’t have access to. Once fully dressed, he planted himself by the window, watching the tail end of the sunrise fill the remaining shadows with a faint golden light. Clear day today, but it was winter on this part of the planet, so the air would be crisp and chilly.

A timid knock on the door made him turn his head. “Skywalker?”

“Yes?”

The door opened a fraction. Venka slid around the edge of it, barely stepping into the room before shutting the door again. Hir brow had furrowed, some time ago judging by how well the expression had settled into hir face.

“I spoke to Organa a few minutes ago.” Ze looked down at hir feet. “She seems rather alarmed by... the fact that you were apparently distressed enough to send Shara ahead and stay in unsafe territory alone... I assumed there was some reason she didn’t know, so I tried not to explain, but she’s... aware that there’s an issue.”

Luke sighed, but forced a smile. Leia must have asked a few prying questions that had made Venka nervous. “With Shara’s testimony and her own Force-sensitivity...” It seemed that it would take more effort to ignore his father’s advice than follow it, now. Even if Han remained an unknown factor. He didn’t tend to wake up as early as Leia did. “It’s no surprise that she’s realised.”

Venka looked up, though still frowning. “You didn’t tell her earlier? If you’ve... known that...” Ze broke off and folded hir arms with a scoff. “How do you even explain it? You can’t call it ‘not loving’ because ‘love’ can mean so many different things in Basic, and yet what else are you meant to call...” The words trailed off as ze waved a hand around. “That?”

Luke couldn’t help but chuckle. “I wish I could tell you. I met a Twi’lek pilot a few years ago who suggested that her native language has a word for it, but our acquaintance was... cut short.” So many gone. “As for Leia... the lack of words to explain is... a large part of why I haven’t done it. That, and the fact that I find it hard to believe she’d understand...” Did he want to tell Venka about the cold tightness in his chest that just thinking about all the cruelties he’d learnt to expect on Tatooine could create? “I learnt early on that admitting to not having those feelings was likely to get me mocked. It’s been... difficult to move past that.”

Venka nodded, frown smoothed out into severity. “And... you’re concerned that she’ll take it as some sort of attack on her? On her and Solo?”

Luke blinked.

Venka looked down at hir feet again. “I’m not sure you meant for me to hear you mention it last night, Skywalker, but...”

“Oh.” He looked aside, a dry chuckle stuttering in his throat. He had said that out loud in the end, hadn’t he. “I’ve worried about it, yes.”

“Looks like we’ve finally found the point where I can match you for toughness, Skywalker.” Venka’s rare crooked smile appeared as hir hand found the doorhandle. “If Organa’s questioning gets too intense for you, I can talk. She’s not likely to make me any twitchier than she already does.”

He had to chuckle at that. “Thank you, Venka. Take it easy today. You don’t look like you’ve recovered from having to be up in the middle of the night.”

Ze grimaced as ze retreated through the door. “Don’t think I will until this cold clears off, and that might be a while.”

Luke nodded, still smiling as the door shut. The sunlight trickling in through the window brought the layered warmth of the Force through as birds woke up and began to fly. Life had retreated in on itself, curled up like sleeping loth-cats against the cold. Winter on a planet with verdant summers had a remarkable settling effect.

The bright shimmer in the Force around him spoke to Anakin’s presence, his attention. “I’ll talk to Leia and Han once I’ve written a report and know they’re both awake.” He took a deep breath. Even the thought made him shake. Still, he’d done more perilous things than explain the way he loved and didn’t in his life. However rattling the conversation ended up being, he could weather it. “Nothing’s going to improve if I can’t be honest about it now.”

Without the physical presence of Anakin’s ghost to show facial expression and demeanour it was much harder to guess what his father might think, but the Force sang golden for a moment before the blinding gleam faded into the cosy bundling of life awaiting a warmer sun.

 

Leia and Han both lingered in Leia’s office once the rest of the command – or at least that section of the command that had thought it important to hear Luke’s report at once rather than waiting for the read copy to be sent – left, so Luke stayed put as well, hands folded behind his back while he waited for chairs to empty. Han, true to his usual habits, had slumped back in his chair as soon as no one was looking at him, eyes shut. Inadvertently getting dragged into the rebellion had taught him to command, delegate, and take responsibility, but no matter how high a rank he held, it seemed unlikely he’d ever learn to enjoy the processes demanded by ‘taking responsibility’.

Leia, meanwhile, bore a tension behind the languid determination of a born commander that made Luke twitch out of empathy every so often. She had questions. He just had to hope that she hadn’t wound herself up enough over all the missing answers to take that agitation out on him if the answers were even slightly displeasing.

Force preserve him, she was his _sister_ and yet he could feel his heart against his ribs as he settled into a vacated chair. Most probably just his own anxiety. He had no real cause to believe that she’d have a problem with this, regardless of whether or not she understood it at all.

Then again, he hadn’t seen any particular sign that she’d be accepting, either.

“Glad to hear that your trip was productive, Luke.” Her voice had softened from the tones she used among the rest of the command. “After hearing Shara’s report when she got back, I worried...”

He blinked, then nodded. That was an unusually delicate way for her to lead into a conversation. “I realise it... must have sounded alarming. It’s... nothing that’s likely to be severe.” He’d had this conversation with Anakin without knowing how his father would respond, why had he already forgotten how to have it?

“You’ve held onto it since you sent Shara on.” Leia shook her head. Han straightened up in his chair, tugging at the collar of his shirt.

Luke sighed. “I know. It’s a... recurring problem, and one that lacks effective solutions, but it’s temporary. Always has been, at least.”

“I gathered as much from Venka.” Leia tilted her head, jaw set. “But if it’s a recurring problem and I’m feeling it second-hand from you to the extent that I have over the last couple of days...”

Luke nodded, running a hand through his hair. Perhaps that was why it had been easier with Anakin. Every conversation he’d had with his father since Endor had been one where Anakin had waited and listened with tremendous patience, eager to hear what Luke had to say. Leia... well, she wasn’t entirely averse to listening to Luke talk. Patience, on the other hand, was often lacking. “It is tiresome. I’m not sure how well I can explain it in a way that you’ll understand, but if you’ll listen...”

“Sounds serious.” Han frowned.

Luke nodded again and folded his hands together in his lap. “It was something that... got me mocked a great deal when I was young. It’s been difficult to talk about ever since.”

“You say that like you’re an old man now.”

“Younger, then, if you insist.” He had to grin. Han couldn’t be _that_ much older than him and Leia. “Anyway... there’s a broad tendency, among humans at least, to treat... romantic love, and... everything associated with it as a universal desire.” The fact that it sometimes made his chest cold wasn’t on Han and Leia, or Shara and Kes, or any other particular individual in the Alliance. “That’s... never made sense to me. People talk about... having feelings for other people in a way that I’ve never experienced. To have that... complete lack of understanding and then to constantly have it assumed that I do understand, that I feel the same way...” He broke off. Han and Leia said nothing in the silence. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. No need to panic and get carried away babbling. “Having been mocked for not having those feelings, not knowing whether it was something wrong with me or something that just happens, it all reached a point by the time I left Tatooine where I was breaking down with stress from dealing with other people expressing those feelings.”

Leia winced. Luke tried to ignore it. Hard to say how much she could sense – she was no weaker in the Force than he was, but she hadn’t followed the same sort of training, so she did things differently and had different strengths and weaknesses when it came to using the Force. “With the Alliance, I’ve met a lot more different people, some of whom have similar experiences. Who’ve... struggled with the same sort of thing in coming to terms with themselves. It made the... it made the strain of dealing with other people’s love ease a little, to know that it wasn’t just me.” There. He’d explained it. Not in great depth, and a little clarification was still necessary. But he’d said it. Han and Leia still looked faintly concerned. Nothing worse. “But sometimes it still gets... overwhelming, and the stress caught up to me while Shara and I were on the way back. There was only so much I could do to distract myself while we still had Imps on our tail to worry about, so I couldn’t... keep it from Shara entirely.”

“So you sent her on instead? That was risky for you, to be in hostile territory on your own.” Leia shook her head.

“I know.” He sighed. “But explaining to her... it was more than I could bring myself to do, at that point. I’ve... had a lingering anxiety for years about insulting people by suggesting that their loving each other could be difficult for me to deal with. It’s not a problem that’s on any individual or couple to rectify.”

“Force help you, kid, you’ve been dealing with this on your own for years because you were worried you’d _insult_ us?” Han rocked half out of his chair, puling the back two legs off the floor with his motion. “Sith hells, you know what I got called on a regular basis while I was still running for Jabba?”

Leia straightened her back, huffing out a sigh. Han shook his head as he settled back in the chair, the two lifted legs of it clunking back to the floor. “Met a few spacers who were the same way. ‘Visits Ryloth for the landscape’, people used to say about them.” Luke and Leia both winced. “I know, nasty metaphor. What can I say. We were all running spice for Hutts.” Han shrugged. “Couple of them probably became spacers because it was easier to stay alone that way. And the rest of us were hardly about to ask questions.”

Luke managed to smile. “You know, I’d half expected something of the sort from you.”

Han grinned. “Chewie and I have met all sorts.”

Luke nodded and glanced across to Leia. Her eyebrows had drawn together, but she sat frozen. As the conversation fell silent she leaned back in her chair, gaze turning away from him as she sighed.

Was that cause for alarm, or was she just thoughtful? Her presence in the Force was so tightly controlled, and with his own nerves and Han’s rather less contained presence to deal with, it was hard to sense more than a lack of intense anger from her.

She leaned forward after a moment, one half of her mouth tugging upwards. “I’ve heard people suggest similar things about others, but never straight from someone who feels that way... or doesn’t feel that way. You’re sure this is something you can weather? For it to be so intense for so long...”

“Sometimes the low points can last a week or two.” A faint smile framed the soft words. “I was taken by surprise this time, it was worse than usual... and then I found myself worrying how you two would take it if I couldn’t recover myself before I got back. But staying silent about it has never made me feel better, so...” He shrugged as he struggled with the words a moment. “It seemed just as well to tell you.”

Han chuckled. “Well, it makes sense. Realised I was freaking you out with a couple conversations early on, but I never bothered to ask why.”

Luke looked down at his hands. “Ah...” Nothing to do but laugh and shrug it off. “It’s always been harder to conceal the repulsion I had towards sex in particular than... any other part of it.”

“I see.” Leia broke a smile. “But it’s something you can manage. Is there... anything the rest of us can do? I assume it’s not just you among the Alliance, since you said you’d met others, if we can do anything to make it easier on them as well...”

“There are a few.” Luke nodded. No names. “It’s... difficult to find a solution that won’t upset people who do have those feelings. In some cases, it’s understandable enough, there are people for whom expressing that love has been... dangerous...”

“I’ve heard stories from all over the galaxy of the different forms that danger comes in.” Leia nodded, a sudden severity to her tone. Han bowed his head in silent acknowledgement.

“It’s hard to find a way around the problem that won’t present a problem for them.” Luke shrugged. “There’s little to do except make sure that those of us who can’t handle it have spaces where we don’t have to deal with it. Usually that’s not a problem at base. We all have our quarters... even if sometimes we can hear things from other people’s quarters that we’d really rather not.”

Leia bit down on a laugh. “I see. I’ll bear that in mind for future bases.” After a moment’s hesitation, she blinked. “It’s not... you don’t all struggle with it the same way, though, do you? Because someone should certainly have noticed anything on that scale by now?”

Luke shook his head, with a faint chuckle. “No, we all have different limits and tolerances. Mine’s rather low.”

“That’ll be a conversation to have with a few different people, then, rather than making you do all the talking.” She stretched over her desk to grab a datapad and started typing on it as she looked at Han. “I was going to suggest we go catch a holo-screening of that one you liked, but knowing what those films are like...”

“Oh, this one’s the rare example of a film that _isn’t_ dripping with lovey-dovey shmoop.” Han grinned as he jumped out of his chair. “Dripping with blood and gore in place of it, but at least it’s an honest film. Every other gang spacer drama I’ve seen makes it all look far too pretty.”

“That at least I can tolerate.” Luke offered a grin in return as he rose from his chair. “I need to actually write that report before I do anything else, but that shouldn’t take long.”

Leia nodded, settling back in her chair. “I’ve got another couple of meetings, but I don’t think it’s anything serious. I’ll pick you two up when I’m done.”

“Done and done, Princess.” Han saluted as he pulled the door open.

Luke followed him out into the corridor, taking a deep breath just to make sure his lungs were still working. His nerves were slow to settle, and he could still feel the faint flutter of his heart in his chest. But they were settling. Little warm eddies in the Force were working their way into the cold emptiness that had settled in his chest a week ago.

“Didn’t seem like it was easy to tell us that, even if you’d already decided to,” Han commented as they fell into step.

“It’s not an easy conversation to have.” Luke shrugged. “It’s so difficult for me to understand how other people can feel those things, it seems it should go the other way, too.”

“Guess it does, but hey, we can be decent people without understanding everything.” He gave Luke a cheerful elbow in the side. “It’ll do you good to have a few hours off from being a Commander.”

“War doesn’t work like that.”

“Well, it’s going to, or I’m going to shoot it dead myself so it gives you and your sister a bit of peace.” Han stopped as the corridor branched off and folded his arms, glaring down at Luke as best he could with a grin plastered across his face. “I need to go see Chewie about the upgrades to the Falcon’s hyperdrive. See you later on.”

“Later.” Luke nodded as Han turned to hurry along the corridor towards the entrance.

Warmth rushed into his lungs as he made his way through the honey-marble corridors of the palace to his own quarters. His father’s presence was back in the air around him, blinding in the Force. _You did well, my son._ The words were faint, but relieved.

“It’s a relief to have done it.” The warmth of the air around him, despite the chill that had to be reigning outside the palace walls, managed to still the last flutters of nerves. Leia’s response... of course her first thought had been of how to prevent the problem becoming a worse one. And Han... well, Han was as he’d become.

_It’s a weight off you. I hope it will stay that way._

“I think I’ll be okay, even if it isn’t.” He stood still in the corridor, eyes shut and smiling as his father’s presence skittered around the walls. “There’s certainly space for me here in the Alliance, even if there still aren’t words.”

**Author's Note:**

> Venka was going to end up a-spec as soon as I gave hir a POV section, that wasn't planned but probably should have been expected. Even when I'm writing from theoretically allo POVs I can't help but feel that my own aroaceness is coming through in the way I write them. Not that I tend to write things where people being allo specifically is all that relevant.  
> I didn't really think about the fact that NTH and this really are dealing with very similar circumstances until I finished writing this, but oh well. Different enough to serve different purposes for me.


End file.
